Disclaimer: The photo of the model used in this article for the emotional wellness of adolescent boys is for illustrative purposes only and does not depict the emotional state or experiences of the character[if any] in the article in any way.

“Crying never helped anyone do anything, okay? You have a problem you face it like a man”- Robin Williams

I cannot begin to recall how many times I have heard similar expressions to the  quotes cited above. While certainly taken out of context, this sentiment is not rare nor limited to men struggling with mental illness.  

We live in a culture that still propagates expressions like, “Be a man and suck it  up”, “crying is for girls”, or the dismissive, “boys will be boys” uttered after a  fight. Have we made progress towards closing the gaps in stereotypical,  erroneous gender differences? Yes, I think so. But a phenomenon that is often  referred to as “toxic masculinity” persists and is deeply rooted in societies all  over the world. 

Please do not mistake progress with extinction. Improvement in no way  means we and our children are immune to this unhealthy social conditioning.  We cannot let progress blind us from this very harmful problem that still exists,  “toxic masculinity”. 

Toxic masculinity simply means that as  a member of a particular society, each person is overtly and covertly  conditioned to take on the beliefs of that society. The insidious part of this process is that most people do not know that  the belief is not actually their own, but rather a belief that was taught to them.  

So, what does this have to do with adolescent boys and emotions?  Everything! For us to understand the inner world of our teenage boys, we must  first understand the context under which they were developed. We are going to move on to some other insights on this topic, but please remember the concept  of social conditioning; because we will come back to it later.  

Now, let’s look at some more concrete information related to gender  differences and emotions in adolescence. There is what some would label a  super myth, regarding males and females. The myth is that women and girls are  simply more emotional than men and boys. Some of you may quickly feel some  resistance to saying this is a myth, as in your experience this seems to be true.  You are right! 

And those of you who do think this is a myth, likely feel it is nonsensical  to think that males and females differ regarding the human experience of  emotions. You are right too! But how can that be?  

Thus, this is a phenomenon still being researched and studied. In large  part, because both things mentioned above are true. But a rational mind will  find it hard to make sense of that. How can the stereotype that men and women  are different emotionally be true, while men and women being the same is also  true?  

Most studies result in non-conclusive findings. While some gender  differences have been recorded when focusing on a specific construct, such as  emotion regulation; these outcomes are relatively weak and lose even more  strength when added to a larger body of research that finds no significant  differences.  

Studies based on self-report, the study participant’s subjective  perception, have documented small differences in the areas of emotion  regulation and emotion expression. Some studies have found that men report  regulating emotions more quickly compared to women, while women appear to  express positive emotions more frequently. Another important point is that  men report fewer expressions of positive emotions, but they report more  expressions of anger and aggression compared to women.  

To summarize this set of information, self-report studies reveal that men  are often quicker at regulating their emotions and more likely to express anger  and aggression. Conversely, women are more likely to express the full  spectrum of emotions and more likely to express positive emotions. This is not  great news for our young men. If an adolescent boy is likely to express anger  and not likely to express happiness, then his emotional health is going to suffer  tremendously.  

Many studies have been attempted to study this issue outside of self report. These studies utilize medical technological advancements in  neuroimaging to study the brain to look for gender differences. Now, one interesting outcome found in these studies is that, while males  seem to express less emotions and regulate emotions more quickly; they  experience a more intense physiological response to stress-inducing stimuli.  This is measured using heart rate, respiration rate, blood pressure, cortisol, and  brain reactivity in areas related to distress. 

Hmmmm, that is interesting and concerning. So, males have a more  intense neurological and subsequently physiological reaction to stress. BUT they seem to regulate faster and express less. Can you see the problem with  these dynamics? If they are not reacting or expressing the emotions causing  significant internal distress, where is all this emotional energy going? 

This, at least in part, explains why males are more likely to express anger  and aggression, more likely to complete the act of suicide, have higher rates of  cardiovascular diseases, and have a lower life expectancy compared to women. 

Now, let’s focus especially on our younger men, adolescents. Adolescent  boys are more likely to drop out of school, to be threatened with or harmed by  a weapon at school, to be in a physical fight, to be killed by a violent act, and  less likely to attend college after high school. Additionally, teenage boys are  more likely to be diagnosed with learning-related disorders, such as ADHD and  dyslexia, fail a grade in school, incur disciplinary actions, drop out of school,  and generally at risk for lower grades compared to their female counterparts.  

I must stress that an adolescent boy is not a man yet, as many of the  studies were on adults. Teenage boys have even greater challenges, with having  an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, impulse control difficulties, hormone  overload, a body and mind under constant change and construction, recently  developed sexual desires, and coping with the many challenges of fitting in  with peers undergoing the same difficulties.  

But if males are better at regulating emotions and less likely to be  emotionally reactive, why are they more at risk for all the scary things listed  above?  

Lack of emotional reactivity and a high degree of emotion regulation does  not equal a high degree of emotional intelligence. If you are unfamiliar with the  concept of emotional intelligence, I would encourage you to spend some time  researching it. (just make sure you are using quality resources). For us to be  able to effectively help our boys cope with their emotions and reduce the risk of  emotion-related mental health issues, we must be able to teach the young men  in our lives how to grow emotional intelligence.  

Circling back and beginning to tie all these pieces together, remember  that gender differences regarding emotions are minimal in scientific studies.  However, we cannot deny that differences are most certainly observed in our  day-to-day lives. Additionally, differences are reported in self-report studies  indicating that adolescent boys and girls report differences. Social conditioning is the bridge that ties the two opposing facts together, allowing them both to  be true at the same time.  

In a study about emotionally restrictive (repressing) behavior amongst  teenagers, it was found that boys reported engaging in a high degree of  restrictive emotion. Many identified anger as the only acceptable emotion for a  boy/man to express. This is disheartening and explanatory for statistics  showing males to be more aggressive. Many boys have come to believe that  anger is the only emotion they can safely express without social scrutiny.  

International studies have shown that, while these gender stereotypes  regarding emotions are strongest in Western countries, they are clearly present  in societies all over the world. When I was brainstorming angles for this article, I  wanted to test my own beliefs about the strong presence of gender stereotypes  still being problematic in the U.S. I pulled together a small focus group of boys  ages 12-18 and their parents. I used a very brief survey, and this is what I  found.  

1. 75% of parents felt girl children were more likely to talk about their  emotions. 

2. 80% reported “he is not socialized to discuss them” as the most likely reason. 

3. 50% of the boys reported feeling as comfortable as girls their age  talking about emotions.

4. Reasons the boys reported for not talking about their emotions  a. “It wouldn’t change anything” (named most often as the reason) b. “It’s just not something boys do”  c. “I feel anxious because I do not know how to talk about emotions”

Is anyone else upset about these responses? Half of these boys felt like they were sharing  emotions compared to girls their age. This is certainly better, but is half good  enough for our boys? I do not think so.  

The things that struck and hurt my heart the most were the reasons the  boys cited. Many boys do not share, because they do not think it would matter.  Some boys also believed it was not something boys do, and others felt they  were not equipped with the skills to talk about their emotions.  

The bad news is that boys today are still plagued by toxic masculine  social expectations. The good news is that we can do something about the  things mentioned by the boys I surveyed. 

1. Make sure that our boys know that their disclosures are important,  and try to help make a difference for them in whatever it is that is bothering them.  
2. Create a culture in our homes that debunks gender stereotypes about  emotions and shows no difference in the way we care for the emotions of  girls and boys. 
3. Teach our boys Emotional Intelligence.

Number three is where we are going to end, for now. This is a complex  and multi-layered issue that cannot possibly be covered fully here. I encourage  you as parents to keep learning and keep expanding your understanding of  adolescent development and emotional intelligence. I want to leave with you  with practical things you can start using right away.  

Building Emotional Intelligence with Adolescent Boys 

Give them an Emotional Vocabulary: Many people, let alone teenage boys, do  not have the emotional words to use to describe how they are feeling. It is  essential we give our boys the words they need to talk about how they feel. In  therapy, I usually start with core emotions (happy, sad, afraid, angry, and  guilt/shame/disgust) and label them as emotion boxes. All other emotion  words can fit into one of these boxes. (e.g. frustration-> anger box; anxious- >fear box). Make sure they know these core emotions and then encourage them  to further describe their experiences by having many words in each box.  

Provoke the Use of Emotion Words: Of course, this requires connection and  consistent communication with your teen. In this case, you are having decent  communication, requesting strongly that they use emotional words to describe  how they are feeling.  

• A. “It sucked” becomes “I felt bored and irritated” 
• B. “It’s not fair” becomes “I feel disappointed and angry”
• C. “I was just upset” becomes “I was just really sad”  

Coach Them Through Anger to the Real Emotion: Anger is secondary  emotions. It is almost always the result of other restricted emotions that  eventually are expressed as anger (as we discussed boys find anger to be more  acceptable). Help your young man figure out what led him to the anger. What is  the real issue? 

Always ask him about his emotions and create trust that disclosure is safe:  We need to ask our boys just as much as girls, so they know their emotions are  just as important. Boys tend to be even more anxious than girls to talk about their emotions. This means we need to make sure our responses are calm, non threatening, non-shaming, and validating.  

Be Patient and Persistent: Remember boys can have a different relationship  with emotions compared to girls for a lot of reasons. We must be patient and  encourage not push them, while never giving up on getting emotions out of our  boys. (slow and steady). PUSHING WILL PUSH THEM FURTHER AWAY! 

In closing, boys are at risk for many things that girls are not due in large part to restricted emotions followed by volatile anger. Boys today are still impacted by  toxic gender stereotypes and need to be unburdened from them, so that they  can safely develop emotional intelligence and avoid emotional/mental  conditions that will interfere with their well-being and quality of life.  

“Men who cry are not weak. They are stronger than the rest”- Stewart Motola (Mind  Journal) 

-Leslie A. Hagedorn, MSW, LCSW, Trauma-Specialist

We hope you found valuable insights in this wonderfully crafted article. Thank you for taking the time to read it! A special thanks to our model, Matthew Rodriguez [Instagram- @matthew_actor_model] , and his mom for their effort in portraying this concept so beautifully!

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